I never do well at these things because (a) writing on command for contests really freezes me up and (b) I just don’t think I get the right vibe on the humor around this ol’ Vermont College.
The deal is, with every graduating class comes a party, and with each party a writing contest. Last year… I forgot what it was. I entered and lost. Whatever. This time around I thought I might have a chance: a good news/bad news film treatment contest. The good news is that a famous/classic children’s book has been chosen to be turned into a big Hollywood film. The bad news is, well, it’s being made into a crappy big Hollywood film. 100 to 200 words.
This should so totally be mine. I know films, I know classic kid’s books, I even know how to write a freakin’ treatment. But humor is the name of the game and maybe I’m not as funny as I think I am when under the gun.
There were co-winners, a treatment for Kathi Appelt’s The Underneath pitched as as musical — “It’s Cape Fear meets Oklahoma!” The other winner was Anne of Green Gables starring Li’l Kim. Me? I went with It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World crossed with Pulp Fiction for a retelling of the P.D. Eastman classic Go, Dog, Go! It goes a little something like this…
Yo, Dawg, Go!
An Old Dog careens off the highway and with his dying breath reveals to a group of strangers of a secret stash hidden in a suitcase in a coastal California city. Among the strangers are Big Dawg and Little Dawg, a pair of hitmen who have been assigned to retrieve the suitcase for their boss, Top Dawg. They immediately wipe out the other witnesses to the accident and head off to claim the loot themselves.
Along the way Little Dawg is asked by Top Dawg to look after his wife who insists on a series of exchanges over whether or not they like each other’s hats.
Eventually Big Dawg and Little Dawg continue their drive across country and discover the suitcase with the loot on top of a large tree full of other Dawgs. While Little Dawg sends the tree full of Dawgs to bed for the Big Sleep, Big Dawg foams at the snout barking biblical verse from Ezekiel before returning the suitcase to Top Dawg.
Driving away, Big Dawg and Little Dawg discuss the misuse of the article “der” in the name of the fast food chain Der Wienerschnitzel.
Quentin Tarantino directs.
Eh, I at least gave it a shot. Maybe I was too esoteric in my references.